‘Freedom day’

Four face masks with cartoon animals on them
Four masks from Sugar and Sloth

Tomorrow is ‘Freedom Day’ when the final lockdown restrictions are lifted. What freedom people are currently lacking is unclear, but some things I’ve seen are – having to wear a mask, having to check in at shops and restaurants, and not being able to meet as many people as they like. Apparently, this is oppression, and we can’t keep wearing masks forever because it’s not normal.

After the first date for ‘Freedom Day’ was delayed, anti-lockdown and anti-mask (or pro-death) protesters marched through London demanding everything be opened up again. They walked past open pubs, open cafes and restaurants with indoor dining and into an open shopping centre, which then had to close because of the disruption they caused (I bet Alanis Morissette didn’t see that one coming).

Cases are rising rapidly despite vaccines. Younger people are contracting the virus; there’s another mutation that has been allowed to spread rapidly, and again, we’re told that more people will die.

Freedom for disabled and chronically ill people looks quite different. The Office for National Statistics says that 2.2 million clinically extremely vulnerable (CEV) people were advised to shield. This meant not leaving the house at all unless absolutely necessary. Many relied on government food boxes or support from local charities and mutual aid groups that sprang up during lockdown.

People who are CEV, especially those who are immunocompromised, are getting told to shield again. Some people haven’t been out since the start of 2020, and the vaccine may not even work for immunocompromised people or those taking immunosuppressants. Since the start of the pandemic, there’s been this message that it only affects the elderly and vulnerable. Aside from this not being true, these people are not disposable because they’re older or disabled, but they’ve been thrown under a bus and allowed to die to give other people their ‘freedom’.

The other used phrase (apart from wake up sheeple which makes me want to stab someone in the eye) is if you’re scared, stay at home and let people who want to live go out. People who are shielding don’t want to have to stay in or avoid contact with their partners. They don’t want to go a year without seeing anyone or not getting the medical or social support they need, and they shouldn’t have to stay in forever because others are too selfish to wear a mask or make any other minor sacrifices.

July is disability pride month, and once again, disabled people are being left to die or excluded from society, this time to please the people who are tired of the pandemic. We have to learn to live with the virus, let the bodies pile up on the street and pretend to care with gesture politics like clapping, because making sure people can go to the football and trade deals with India are more important than saving lives.

Fake it till you make it

Tonight* my brain is spiralling down into doom and failure. It’s convincing me that I’m a fraud just waiting to be caught out, and that I’ve convinced people into believing I’m something I’m not. People will soon realise this and see right through me, that giving me a job, responsibility and letting me run a service is a mistake.

I’ve had the talk about imposter syndrome with someone before, someone I respect, who to most people would never appear to feel this way. I even bought myself a print of the picture used in this blog to try and convince myself that, actually, I’m not the imposter I think I am.

The feelings of responsibility and expectation are once again terrifying me. For a long time, I’ve believed that if I never try, I can’t fail, and I can’t screw things up, but I’m restless, and I wasn’t feeling stretched any more by the things I was doing.

I’ve spent a large amount of this evening crying as my thoughts continue to spiral and snowball, collecting more and more until it becomes an avalanche (sorry for the naff metaphor). Anxiety has been creeping in recently, and I’m trying to tell myself that it’s normal to feel some anxiety about a new job.

It doesn’t really matter what people say because my brain won’t listen. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I also know that I did well in my interview, but facts and emotions don’t mix, and the fear is strong. I wanted this job so much, and I still do, but the loss of security and increased responsibility and the worry of everything going wrong are very much on my mind (and in my dreams).

Today I have my induction with two other new members of staff, and I’m hoping that I’ll just be treated like any other member of staff and not have to hear everyone say I know everything and that I’ve been here forever, because this is still new to me and there’s a lot I’m going to have to learn.

*I started writing this last night

Image credit to People I Loved screenshot from Blurt Foundation on Instagram

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