Tag: change

Managing

I don’t have an issue with taking the easier option. I’m not going to take the harder way of doing something if an easier option is available. Why struggle to add something up if there’s a calculator available? Why carry a suitcase if it has wheels? Why use a tin opener if there’s a ring pull?

But when it comes to being disabled, I tend to manage before going for the easier option or the option involving using aids or adaptations, I’m more hesitant to do what’s easiest. Some of this is about other people’s perceptions or questions.

When I first started using mobility aids I was so anxious about what people would say because I was going from having an invisible disability to a visible one and suddenly people became aware of the accommodations I needed (not completely but more than they had) you can thank social anxiety for me not asking for accommodations before or even after I still prefer things like badges or lanyards to talk for me.

My partner recently moved, and his new flat has a bath with a shower attached, but there are no handles or grab rails; at home, my bath has handles and a grab rail, and that’s a struggle. I put grippy duck stickers in the bath. I told myself it was fine and I could manage, but then I caved and got a shower seat. Of course, I still questioned whether I needed it because I was managing without.

A white slatted shower stool in a white bathtub
The latest accessory

On Monday, I used my shower stool, and it really made things easier. I could spend longer in the shower, I used up less energy, was less anxious about falling over, and I was able to wash my legs and feet without the risk of falling.

Managing isn’t everything. I can manage to walk unaided, but it’s harder, causes more pain and fatigue, and I’m more likely to fall over. I could manage at cons and outdoor events without using my crutches, but it would be exhausting, my hips would hurt so much I wouldn’t be able to walk the next day, and I wouldn’t be able to manage without a lot more help than I already get, especially on wet or uneven ground.

Sometimes it’s not enough to just manage, and if there is a way to make things easier, don’t settle for managing.

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Release

A countdown for the number of days I’ve been self harm free

I was trying to explain to someone recently the conflicting feelings that come into my head around self-harm. I want to self-harm, but really, I don’t. I keep thinking how much better it was to have an outlet for the way I feel, but really, I know that it wouldn’t help, it didn’t help, not really, not properly. But that doesn’t stop my mind jumping to it when I’m stressed, anxious or overwhelmed.

I haven’t self-harmed in 391 days, but I self-harmed from the age of 17 to 32 and intermittently before that. It’s not that I want to self-harm, it’s just that I want to breathe and not feel like I’m suffocating. I want to stop feeling like I’m dragging a weight around with me or wading through custard, and when it’s been something I’ve done for so long, it’s an immediate thought, an ingrained reaction that my mind jumps to when I feel bad.

I’m not naive, I know that just because I haven’t self-harmed in a long time, it doesn’t mean I won’t ever do it again. I can’t say for sure that I know I’ll never self-harm again, and even now, it’s not that I never do anything unhealthy/ potentially harmful or things that could be seen as negative ways of managing things, they’re just less destructive and don’t involve me ending up in A&E. The longer time goes on the bigger the stakes, once I was past 6 months I’d beat my previous longest time, then it was 7 months, 9 months and finally a year.

Sometimes people ask what they can do to help or make things easier, but I don’t always want them to do anything other than listen or try to see things from my position. I know some people are more practical than others, and their reaction is to look for a solution, but sometimes the solution is just to please listen to me and hear what I’m saying when I say how overwhelmed and stressed I feel. That I miss people I was close to, how alone I feel, how the light at the end of the tunnel feels very dim and distant right now, that’s what can be done to help.

Sometimes I just want someone to take me down to the car park and let me cry

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Fake it till you make it

Tonight* my brain is spiralling down into doom and failure. It’s convincing me that I’m a fraud just waiting to be caught out, and that I’ve convinced people into believing I’m something I’m not. People will soon realise this and see right through me, that giving me a job, responsibility and letting me run a service is a mistake.

I’ve had the talk about imposter syndrome with someone before, someone I respect, who to most people would never appear to feel this way. I even bought myself a print of the picture used in this blog to try and convince myself that, actually, I’m not the imposter I think I am.

The feelings of responsibility and expectation are once again terrifying me. For a long time, I’ve believed that if I never try, I can’t fail, and I can’t screw things up, but I’m restless, and I wasn’t feeling stretched any more by the things I was doing.

I’ve spent a large amount of this evening crying as my thoughts continue to spiral and snowball, collecting more and more until it becomes an avalanche (sorry for the naff metaphor). Anxiety has been creeping in recently, and I’m trying to tell myself that it’s normal to feel some anxiety about a new job.

It doesn’t really matter what people say because my brain won’t listen. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I also know that I did well in my interview, but facts and emotions don’t mix, and the fear is strong. I wanted this job so much, and I still do, but the loss of security and increased responsibility and the worry of everything going wrong are very much on my mind (and in my dreams).

Today I have my induction with two other new members of staff, and I’m hoping that I’ll just be treated like any other member of staff and not have to hear everyone say I know everything and that I’ve been here forever, because this is still new to me and there’s a lot I’m going to have to learn.

*I started writing this last night

Image credit to People I Loved screenshot from Blurt Foundation on Instagram

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